I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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