He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
