Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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