We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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