no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
