Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize