you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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