Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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