I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
