I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize