oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
