Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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