this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Randomize
