I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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