Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
