I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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