Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize