Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
