worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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