My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i dont even know how to be here
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
