I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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