I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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