I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
