He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
