Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize