I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize