Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
