are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
