i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
