Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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