Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
