I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
