i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
