Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
