So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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