where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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