i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
