wanna go halves on a baby?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
