toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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