you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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