she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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