Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
