How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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