Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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