can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
