If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize