His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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