so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
