I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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