I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
