I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
