i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
