: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
