So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just pee around me
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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