you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
