I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize