grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
