update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
