There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Shitshow foam night was such a success
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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